After the disturbing discovery that Brits are not aware of the joy that is Fairy Bread I got to thinking. Maybe it is a bit shit. In fact, it definitely is but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to gate crash toddlers parties just to get me some. 

The article exposing fairy bread as a ‘thing’ went on about how gross the bread looks but that’s kind of the point right? A colleague of mine suggested that it could taste nice on brioche – I’m sorry NO! Not allowed. Has to be the shittiest, processed to hell white bread you can find. 

My flatmate told me how her colleague brought some to work one day but they had made it with a closed lid. Again, NO. Not ok. There is a particular way to enjoy fairy bread and that is open sandwich style, not too heavy on the butter, extremely heavy on the hundreds and thousands thankyouverymuch.
Naturally the nostalgia factor is key when it comes to the actual enjoyment of the dish and I reckon it could apply to a few things in the typical Kiwi’s diet – gas station mince and cheese pies for example. The melty faux cheese and unrecognisable globules of protein masquerading as real meat…. yum. Still who hasn’t indulged in one at 2am or craved one the morning after?

Photo via Bren On The Road

Other kiwi ‘delicacies’ are a matter of patriotism. Like pineapple lumps for example. Are they really that delicious or is it more a sign of national pride to proclaim your love for them? I have to say that when a British mate described them as being bubblegum flavoured that they’ve never tasted the same to me and yes maybe they are a bit odd. But hey, made with real juice! Practically one of your five plus! 

Now it’s a known fact that everyone in Australasia grew up with this book: 

Photo via Oliver's Choice
Leafing through this treasure to pick that year’s birthday creation was so exciting as a child (and probably quite terrifying for Mums). One particular delight which should be all sorts of wrong but isn’t is the classic Swimming pool jelly cakes. I would never mix jelly with cake but somehow if it’s in the shape of a pool surrounded by choc fingers then it’s totally ok.

Photo via Australian Women's Weekly
Another few classics I have to mention...

Kiwi dip: when you break it down into what it really is, it kinda sounds like something you’d resort to consuming only in apocalyptic conditions. I mean long life cream in a can mixed with dried onion soup mix? Yeah we love that shit. 

Cold cheerios. No not the American cereal, the mini frankfurters fresh from the deli at New World. Or else overboiled and popping out of their skins in the most dreadfully phallic fashion. Oooh and remember the brief stint of Purplos? Somehow they weren’t received well because they looked too fake. I mean this on the other hand looks like it came straight off Old Mac’s farm…

Marmite and chip sandwiches. I once worked for a radio station that created a brand of chip (crisp to all you Brits) that embodied this flavour sensation. To promote them we actually hired one of the top chefs in Wellington to make them out on the street with us. Only in New Zealand.

Of course the next generation of kiwis probably won’t get to develop the peculiar fondness of these foods because they’ll be too busy munching on chia seeds and frozen berry sorbet at their 5th birthday parties. Shame. I for one think I may have to keep the fairy bread flame alive at least. No kids party would be complete without it.

Photo via Flickr

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