HOW TO MAKE A GYM ENEMY

15:51

Halfway through meat free booze free fun free January so obvs I am torturing myself with daily gym sessions.


Ok, I’m actually exaggerating here because I’m not going every day. Also I do enjoy the gym… or at least that feeling of self satisfaction that comes afterwards. It’s the getting there bit that sucks. Why is it so hard? One of life’s great mysteries.


Anyway, question for you - am I the only person out there with a gym enemy?


It’s very odd and also very likely that it’s all in my head but with British people, if you sense tension in the air, it is most likely there because they’re too damn polite to say anything outright.


You probably want to know how I managed to get myself a nemesis whilst innocently picking stuff up then putting it down and running a bit. Well….


I was on a machine with my printed out bodybuilding.com notes - and yes I realise how lame that makes me sound - pretending I knew what I was doing when a girl jumped on the bike next to me spilling the contents of her water bottle all over my print out. Not a big deal right? I certainly wasn’t that phased but when she came to apologise profusely I said “Ohmygod that’s fine”. End of interaction.


Now you know when sometimes your voice goes really and high and weird when you don’t mean it to? Well mine did that and rather than casually brushing off the incident as intended it made me sound like I was saying “Ohmygod what the hell have you done woman!”


Awkwardness ensued and naturally we bumped into each other about fifty times in the next thirty minutes. Each time I tried to catch her eye and give her an ‘it’s ok’ smile but failed. I was being snubbed.


We clearly have the same gym schedule because I see her every time I’m there. To begin with I kept up with the smile efforts but eventually tired of it (and realised I was starting to just look like a creep). I also saw her on the tube once, she is plaguing my existence. 

Wow I just realised what a boring story that is. 

Also, I am incredibly paranoid. 

Sorry.


But still, while I’m on a rant it’s a universal truth that people are annoying at the gym. And now that it’s January EVERYONE in London is always there. Always there and always being annoying. It’s like everyone checks their manners at the door. 

The worst thing is I am probably guilty of pissing people off too. This isn’t their blog though so here is my list of the top five gym offenders...


Topless hair dryers: You’ve got your tits out. Fine. It’s the changing room after all. But do you reeeally need to stand there with your bottom half dressed and boobs on display whilst sorting your hair out? This happens way more than you’d think and it’s just weird.


Non wipers: Oh hey, I totally don’t mind cleaning up your sweat! In fact, it’s 6.30am on a Monday - I can’t think of anything that I would rather do MORE.


Clock blockers: If you’re into those HIIT workouts you’ll know just how frustrating it is when someone stands directly in front of the clock on the wall - mid plank. I can’t see how much is left of this minute of hell dammit!


Machine hogs: No amount of evil laser eyes, hovering and loud sighing nearby can shift these parasites. Believe me. I’ve tried all three at once.


Over enthusiastic staff: No issues with my current place but back in Auckland there was one particular trainer who was so high on life that I wondered if she went home every day and just cried herself to sleep. Noone should be that happy ALL THE TIME.  


Well now that’s out of my system, time to relax and breathe… let's do some yoga

Cat-yoga
Imgur via reddit

(this is definitely what I look like when I try do a headstand)

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