HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE NOT READY FOR KIDS...

15:30

Get a nose piercing. I’m serious. It is a hell of a lot of work and I’m afraid that today I failed. It’s official, I can’t even look after a hole in my face.


A while ago (after a few glasses of Sauvignon Blanc) I made a pact with a workmate that we would go and get our noses pierced together. A week later and having sobered up I still thought it was a good idea so off we trotted one day after work.


Let’s get something straight, do NOT believe the people who tell you that it doesn’t hurt. It really, really hurts. Imagine a tetanus shot in your nose followed by that dull ache all over your FACE. Give it a couple of weeks though and it’s smooth sailing...or so I thought.


Don’t get me wrong, it started off very well. I was taking nose baths (yes, they are a thing), and cleaning it with saline solution THREE TIMES A DAY which coming from a girl who struggles to be bothered flossing is big. But then it happened. The towel incident.


It was early, I was tired and just didn’t think when I jumped out of the shower and enjoyed a particularly rigorous face drying session. Suddenly I realised my nose was back to its naked self. Thankfully the stud hadn’t fallen down the drain but not so thankfully, it wouldn’t go back in.


Cue a frantic nude me desperately googling YouTube videos and giving it a solid go for about an hour before resigning myself to the fact that it needed professional attention. This also happened to be a Monday morning (joy of joys) so I had to call my boss and explain the situation. Thank goodness said boss was very understanding about the whole thing ( I think I scared him out of asking too many questions by omitting detail of where the piercing was).


And so began my morning of trudging the streets of Soho with a huge purple earring shoved in my nose as a placeholder while I tried to find someone who could put the damn stud back in. Technical side note: it turns out that the hole can close up partially when you try putting a curved stud in but a straight one is easy to get through. Also, the hole closes up in around 4 hours hence the need for the purple stud of shame.


This is who people on the tube had to avoid eye contact with:


Nose piercing gone wrong



I discovered quickly that piercing joints don’t open until 11 and when they say 11 they actually mean 11.30. I also discovered that around 99% of the piercers in central London don’t work Mondays. So thank the lord for Topshop’s tattoo and piercing parlour (who knew!) My last resort and my saviour. By this point I needed to have it semi re-pierced again so all my hard work trying to speed up the healing process is down the drain.

Better go run me a nose bath.

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